Starting a new year brings me such excitement and exhilaration. So often people get caught up in the rush of starting over, but I’m far more intrigued by the notion of a refresh. It feels gentler, somehow, less rushed and more intentional. I rarely like the idea of starting over. Notions of being ‘born again’ come to mind with this phrase and that really makes me shudder. Starting over seems to imply that you’re neglecting all the previous years of mistakes and mishaps just so you can feel like you have a clean slate. I hate to break it to you, but none of us have a clean slate. We’ve all got baggage we’re carrying with us into the new year, whether we want to admit it or not. We’ve all got a past that creeps up and haunts us from time to time. We can’t run from our problems, as much as most of us would love that.

The important thing, though, is how I’m responding to that baggage. Am I gentling going to set it down, pick out the bits and bobs and try to start saying good-bye to them? Or am I going to toss it down, run to my flight and fly off into the new year only to find that my baggage somehow ended up in the same destination I did? It’s rare that you can just forget your baggage and move on. Usually, it needs some attention. It needs some tender loving and care. It needs to be told that it’s not forgotten, but that it’s time to not be dragging around so much stuff. It needs a gentle reminder that more baggage will come along the journey and you simply don’t have room for it anymore.

That’s what I’m attempting to do this year. A couple events happened at the beginning of the year already that have triggered quite a bit of self-reflection. I have come to find that I’m not nearly the same person I was in college. So much of college was wrapped in my insecurities and the desire for everyone to know me and like me (which has not totally gone away). I thought I had friends galore. What I’m coming to find about myself now is that I don’t make loads of friends everywhere I go like I used to. I hold people at an arm’s length, and I do this for a number of reasons. I already have friends who are my life-long friends. Why do I need more?! As a gay man, it’s not easy for me to trust people. Not just a gay man, but a gay Christian man, I find the scope of people who will understand me narrows considerably. And call it cowardice or prudence, or both, but I am less willing to put myself out there than when I was a teen and in my early twenties and trust that people will respond with kindness and reciprocity.

We’re starting to read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown in our church Life Group, and I can already tell I’m going to hate it, but it might be good for me. We talked vulnerability to death in college and I’m interested to revisit vulnerability in lieu of my latest self-reflections. I’m scared that it might mean some difficult work on my part. And I’m tempted to say, “No thanks,” and move on. But usually good writing and discussion with close friends works magic on me, so we’ll see.

With all that said, I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other this year. I’m not trying anything new or trendy. I’m trying to do my old stuff, but with a little more attention and intention. If I can pay attention to people and to myself, I can hopefully be more intentional with both my words and actions. And that can make all the difference. Here’s to a new year and the same old me just trying to make myself and the world better with thoughtfulness and introspection.